It has become a cliché. The holiday comedy with the stress induced meltdown. Think Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. We laugh because we recognize the potential in us to be the one having the meltdown!

The holiday season brings parties, food, presents, activities, family, friends, shopping, entertaining, baking and much more. These can all be good, fun things that we enjoy. But they can also overwhelm us in our already overscheduled lives. What other cliché does the holiday season bring? The blogs and articles about how to deal with the holiday stress!

So here we go again. These articles and blogs appear every year because we need the reminders to slow down, to not over commit, to stick to our budget, to eat right and to get some exercise so we can avoid the Clark Griswold reaction. All good advice, but I would suggest that holiday stress comes from a deeper place. Let’s take a look at holiday stress with a trauma-informed care lens. We sometimes use the holidays and their demands as a time to prove how capable we are, to bring purpose and meaning to our lives or to make-up for a less than perfect past. So let’s unpack these ideas a bit.

We want to show the world that we are extraordinary people who can create the perfect holiday experience for ourselves and our families. Sometimes we want to prove ourselves because we don’t recognize that we are enough just as we are. We are valuable and worthy of love. We belong. We deserve connection and loving relationships. It is easy to forget this in a world full of competition. The common prevailing belief is that there are not enough of the good things to go around. But when we recognize that we don’t need to be perfect or create perfect experiences, we can relax a bit and enjoy the real moments of life. Recognizing that love and belonging are not limited commodities helps us to move away from a scarcity mentality. We can become more attuned to the small, simple pleasures that occur every day, not just during the holidays.

Sometimes we seek meaning and purpose through the busyness, excitement and stress of the season. We blindly follow rituals and traditions without exploring what we believe and what brings meaning for us. Spending time connecting with our core values and where they come from can ground us. Some find purpose and meaning in spirituality or faith. For others, it may be a cause or belief with which they identify. Connecting with our core beliefs and aligning what we do with them can bring purpose all throughout the year not just in one season.

So if you feel strongly about social justice, maybe volunteering and giving to the causes that are most important to you will bring meaning. If faith is most important to you, then celebrating and worshiping in ways consistent with your faith can bring meaning. This may mean prayer, serving, meditation or studying sacred scriptures. Sometimes returning to a faith tradition from our childhood or seeking a different faith tradition that may be a better fit for us can lead to greater meaning and purpose. If family is what we value most, then we can focus on creating loving memories that build the relationships among family as opposed to focusing on other aspects of the season.

Maybe we did not have great holiday experiences as a kid or after a divorce or when we were single, so we feel like we have to make up for the missed opportunities. Life is not perfect and no one always has great experiences. Things happen around the holidays. People lose their jobs. Relationships break up. Work interferes. Loved ones get sick. People we love die. Accepting that we cannot make up for past pain by making the present perfect can move us forward. Living in the present leads to richer experiences. We are able to connect more with others and enjoy the moment. It doesn’t mean forgetting those who are not with you, but appreciating those who are with you. Be intentional about paying attention to what is around you. Find joy in the little things. Be curious about people. Don’t take for granted that you know everything about family and friends. Ask questions and really listen.  Practice living in the present moment not in the past or the future.

The other response to loss can be checking out of the holiday season by ignoring it. This response may be due to experiencing pain from a loss – especially loss that occurred this time of year. If the pain is still fresh, it is okay to cut back what you do. But it is helpful to let yourself grieve and process the pain of your loss. Stuffing or ignoring pain doesn’t help you heal from it and makes it worse in the long run. Even if it makes for a less than ideal holiday, processing the loss you feel will help make future holidays a little brighter.

Take some time to really evaluate your reaction to the holidays. Are you using the holidays to prove yourself, to substitute for purpose and meaning, or to make up for the past? If so, look at making some changes. Enjoy this holiday season!